Today is another anniversary date. Today is the 43rd anniversary of the day I received the 'regret to inform you' speech.
Yesterday I met with some of the GSW for our monthly luncheon in Boise. It is always a pleasure to see them but I didn't bring up my anniversary dates. My fortune cookie said something about 'tell your friends how you are feeling..."
Today I am trying to think of ways to describe what I am feeling but having a hard time of it. There has been a lot of time between then and now and of course the feelings are changed. I know what I am not feeling at the present moment. I'm not feeling rage, anger or the twisting dagger in my heart. I feel quiet, simply just quiet, sort of flat lined in the emotional department. I've kept busy with taking care of the animals and some house chores for most of the day.
I notice I lose track of time very easily during this time of year. I still feel a little of that 'the world is standing still' effect. I feel things in their extreme as the there are no words yet there are millions that want to express themselves. These types of anniversary dates are difficult for the obvious reason but there is also the how do we acknowledge them question. They are a part of us, they are those days that have affected our lives so severely we never forget but there are just some that 'celebrating' just does not cover. How we acknowledge such times is up to each person. Spose I am acknowledging this date not to just myself but to the world by writing this blog. I wish I would have kept that fortune from the fortune cookie. I think now it made perfect sense even though at the time I thought it peculiar.
The world stands still and the things we busy ourselves with in our normal everyday life has changed and even the interpretation of what is important in our lives has changed. Even after writing this out, I have no words to really tell you how it really feels. Even if I were to try and write it out in hundreds of words and phrases I would come up short. Maybe it is different for each of us but I know those of you whose world has stood still recognize what I am not saying.
So, I guess now, I walk on...like the past 43 years. Learning as I go, taking each day, one step at a time. I love what one of my Boise GSW sisters said once, "You know, you just can't keep a good girl down." I saw her face sadden just yesterday when someone mentioned 1954. She caught my eye and she mouthed across the table, "That was the year I lost my husband."
So what do I feel?
Give a listen.