I've asked myself pertinent questions about the feelings that come each September. What benefit can possible come from having to re-feel traumatic moments that drastically change the course of life.
My pilgrimage is different this year. The pathway to my inner sanctuary has been made passable by prior attempts that required me to often crawl on my hands and knees because I could not see. Often I would grow weary and return to higher ground until the next time. But the call continues to beacon me.
The automatic dread of the season rears it's ugly head. Yet, this year, by staying awake I put that dragon in it's place and I am seeing how much progress I've made. My pathway is more recognizable and the trail more passable; I am walking forward and I see more clearly the gems ready to harvest.
We travel part of our journey with others and it is important to do so. But each of us, at some point, will feel the call to go to the personal sanctuary of our being. Each of us must travel a part of this life journey, alone. We are fortunate because as we explore our personal mountains and caves we can join others who are exploring their own, and around a common campfire, share experiences and lessons.
The traumatic loss of Bruce was my introduction to my inner sanctuary where thoughts begin, words are created and love lives. But I entered wounded, confused, to an unfamiliar place where I did not speak the language and there was no one to interpret it's meaning or teach me it's ways. I was lost and afraid.
Each September I have made the pilgrimage back, not always understanding where I was going or why I had to return. Sadness was the guide that could take me there until I learned to purposely find my way to the core that is my beginning and end.
It is where the gems of life are stored and the door to eternity stands. I was not dropped to the gutter, I was taken to my sanctuary. Through such a dramatic change of the direction of my life, loss of identity, lack of understanding and fear of the unknown, I struggled out from unfamiliar territory.
It has taken a long while to find my way back to the trail-head and a lot of hard work to clear the overgrowth from the pathway.
September? September is merely the trail-head marker Bruce put up so that I could always find my way to my inner sanctuary; to the doorway that leads to eternity...where he will be waiting.